The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Edward Cullen, Christian Grey... Or any character played by Matthew Mcconaughey... Face it woman like the Bad Boys. Whether he's an actual bad ass or just the dubious player, he makes her panties pulsate. There is something alluring about the guy that can't be caught. Deep down women want to be Sandra Dee to Danny Zuko. Well, not that deep down actually. Its right there boiling at the surface.

A diabolical battle raged across the ages: Not Beowulf vs Grendel, Not Hercules vs Minotaur, Not Ulysses vs Cyclops...

But The Nice Guy vs The Bad Boy.

What's funny? Why do I laugh? I'm both. I've been the nice guy who's advantage gets taken. And I've been the player who steals the other guys girl. I'm not proud of either of those. (Especially since it happened at the same time.) The problem: there is no hero in this fight. Women get all excited about The Bad Boy. Yet, women want the security of The Nice Guy. No matter which one she chooses she is always disappointed. The Bad Boy will never fulfill her. And The Nice Guy will never fill her full. What is a girl to do? Settle?

She could get her groove on with a few Bad Seeds. Then put down roots with the guy she can take home to mom and dad. But That doesn't work.

Or...

She could spend the rest of her life trying to turn one of those bad seeds into a good egg. Sorry ladies, you can't change him. That still doesn't work.

I've conducted enough couples therapy to know that these are recipes for failure... Or at least mediocrity.

And how does all this make him feel? "Taken advantage of" for being nice. "Like an ass" for not being good enough.
Both perpetuate the cycle. He contributes to the problem as much as she does. Then resentment festers until someone melts down Lindsay Lohan style.

Again! What's a girl to do? The truth is you can't change who he is, but you can change how you view him. Most guys are not "either/or." They really are "both/and." We have both our good and our bad sides. We can be sweet, and we can be nasty. You my dear, have the key. Don't take advantage of The Nice Guy, then fall for The Bad Boy. Reverse the rolls. Fall for The Nice Guy show him the appreciation and affection he deserves. Then take advantage of The Bad Boy. This won't be cheating if you realize he is one in same. He is two sides of the same coin. You just need to explore both.

Treat him like the nice guy you need him to be; then seduce him like the bad boy you want him to be.

Trust (Part 5)

Sometimes your heart is to life; as a kid is to his last ride at Disney World.

Maybe you can relate to this theme park experience:

Its the end of the day. You’re tried but not done; hot but still happy; excited but exhausted. Then your parents say, “the park is closing soon…time for one more ride.” Your head starts to swim! Its exciting to think that you can go on Mr Toad’s Wide Ride one more time… Space Mountain… But wait… what about the gift shop and that (what was it?) one more toy that you didn't get because it was too big to carry around the park all day. There are too many choices... and you just aren't ready for the day to end! Excitement and Disappointment collide in the explosive chemistry of Overwhelming.

New job, new town, new friends… Means leaving old friends, good memories and favorite places. Change is scary! Life can feel like one big juggling act. Like Joshua in the Bible, you wish could stop the sun and freeze time. There are so many amazing and beautiful moments in life... That you want to lock them in place and capture them like some marvelous work of art. But that’s not life. Life can be as beautiful as a Monet painting; as moving as a Michael Curtiz film; as frightening as a Shakespeare tragedy; and as passionate as a Rodin sculpture. Some times you are afraid to move on because you liked what you had... 

BUT…

What’s unique about life? What sets it apart? 

Life moves forward. 

It is not a static work of art. It is fluid...

Trust yourself to move with it...

You could find that leaving something you liked... 

makes room for something you LOVE.

Trust (Part 4)

Love, Lust, Romance, Passion, Happiness, Hedonism, Joy, Desire,
...All the things we secretly covet; And the very things we run from. So, often I hear you say, 

"I'm not sure..."

"This is too good to be true..."

"I feel uncertain about..."

"There are too many questions..."

"I just don't know..."

"There are so many reasons..."

"I want to know for sure..."

I can be as jaded as anyone. Heart break SUCKS. No one wants to feel the...
Pain, Rejection, Loss, Grief, Sadness, Heartache, Distress, Longing.

Women fancy few things more than jewelry. For some its the latest designs;  for others its the "retro" antique. It may be a particular variety of gold or silver. It may be a certain stone of their birth or a  New Age purpose. It may be the hand crafted variety. Whether its the price tag or sentiment; the precious shiny bits thrill most women.

In the more elite specialty boutiques the most expensive items are kept under lock and key. Often they are more fortified than they are displayed. An aureate glass case and staid salesperson guard the treasures.  You have to wonder how this decreases the odds of the trinkets selling. After all, a person can't simply pick up a gorgeous necklace, fasten it on, then fall in love with the prize while admiring it in the mirror. In this case you have to wait until the sales person allows you the experience. Sometimes in life you need to reach out, grab it and try it on for size.

Conventional wisdom, thinking too much, trying too hard, and protecting yourself gets in the way. Are you keeping your heart locked away? If so, you may not get your heart broken, but you also won't know the unbridled joy of letting someone steal it.

I am in no way suggesting that you plop your heart on the downtown card table between a greasy hotdog vendor and smarmy 3-card monte dealer. I'm not suggesting that you carelessly trust anyone and everyone. The HUGE difference between being care-less and care-free is as vast as the difference between Miley Cyrus and Cyrus Cassells.

I advocate not for care-LESS-ness, but a little more care-FREE-ness.

Once again... Trust Your Self to Trust.

Trust (part 3)

Most often the largest impediment to trust is a fear of failure:

Broken hearts, deadlines passed, failed relationships, missed opportunities… You could fill the bed of a Dodge Ram 3500 with all my mistakes. Thank God for people like The Real House Wives of Atlanta and Charlie Sheen to help us feel like we aren't so bad off. At least I don’t screw up as much as that guy…  Wait that guy is rich.

Really! Mistakes are just the excuses our teachers use to hand out grades. The kids with the most wrong answers fail. The kids with most right answers become professors… And professors get to determine all the wrong answers for the next generation of students. It’s a vicious cycle; like we are addicted to perfection. Our teachers tell us “this is right and that is wrong!” We have become a culture that worships experts. It’s like society is Bobby Brown and we are Whitney Houston. We just keep wasting our lives trying to make society happy.... ‘til we're so badly beaten we give up and OD. Yeah I said IT… What too soon?

Seriously: if Columbus, Galileo, and the Wright Brothers had shut up and listened to the experts our world would be the flat, center of the universe with no Red-Eye to Vegas. Where is the fun in that? What if Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela had been good little “niggers” and sat down & shut-up? What if Shakespeare, Picasso, and Anna Pavlova had been afraid to take a chance? Was it wrong for them to risk failure? Where would our world be if we didn't take chances?

Amazingly we beat ourselves up for making mistakes, when it is those very mistakes that help us learn. The scientific method is all about TRIAL AND ERROR. If we approach life as an experiment and not a recipe.... we just might take a bite out of something delicious. New ideas and experimentation prevent the doom of mediocrity.

NOW go forth and SCREW THINGS UP!!!

If you don't believe me listen to the guys in these videos. One is writer and the other a professor. They are Experts!

Trust (Part 2)

Trust is also an exercise in faith. When we trust we open ourselves to potential reward. Like so many things in life the painful moments eclipse the joyous times. We forget all those times, and all those people who thrive with our trust.

The people who are there when you need them…
The people who you can call all hours of the night…
The people who make you smile on a bad day…
The people who make you laugh…
The people who make you dinner…
The people who buy you a drink…
The people who take road trips with you…
The people that give you gifts...
The people who push you to be stronger…

There are more of those than we realize.

And they wouldn't be there if we had not trusted them. Trust is a gift given. There is nothing wrong with giving that gift. The trust we give is not just in the object trusted...


but its also about our strength of self. Trust Your Self to Trust. 

Trust (Part 1)

Trust is like a triple scope ice cream cone on hot summer day. If you don’t enjoy it right now it melts away. In fact the only why to keep it from going to waste, is share it before it’s gone.

Too many times we trust others and get burned. That is the nature of trust. Trust is an exercise in vulnerability. When we trust we open ourselves to potential pain. If I trust you and you violate that trust: who is to blame? …Me, for trusting you? …Or You for beaching my trust?

But even if you gave no warning…
Even if I was totally caught unawares…
Even if you are completely to blame…

It still hurts like HELL!

Then is it wrong to trust?

Life is trial and error. The errors are a key ingredient to the recipe. If we don't fail, we don't learn. Trusting the "wrong" people shapes who we are as much as trusting the "right" people. Once again to reiterate the lessons from Kindergarten, "Its okay to make mistakes." 

Trust yourself to learn. 

Here you might expect an instruction to "learn from those mistakes" and not trust the "wrong" people again. That instruction is avoided because its next to impossible. This is not a suggestion to continue trusting someone who had already betrayed you. You can learn from them and move on, but you can't assume that learning from their betrayal will prevent you from being betrayed by someone else.

For the most part there are not wrong people, only immature people. We wrongly believe people because they wrongly believe themselves. Its easy to believe people have the best of intentions, because they do. They are trying to believe in themselves and convince themselves that they are trustworthy. Its a lot easier to sell a lie when you believe that lie. People lie to themselves as much than they lie to us. People rationalize and justify all sorts of behavior; we just get caught in their wake.

Real Intimacy, Real Growth (Part 5)

Anna and Alex were stuck in Level Two Intimacy. They were always changing and they were having great sex; but the two of them were unhappy. They burned-out from their fast paced life. Anna and Alex were trying to find something in their life that would make them happy. All their activity failed to make them happy. So, they tried to force the other person to change, and that gave way to vicious arguments. Through therapy Anna and Alex grew. They stopped blaming each other and they stopped trying to win arguments. Anna stopped trying to convince Alex she was right and Alex stopped trying to "WIN" the arguments  They became willing to compromise and willing to “agree to disagree.” They finally moved out of Level Two Intimacy and into Level One Intimacy.

Bethany and Blaine were also stuck. They were stuck at Level One Intimacy. They knew how to compromise and how give into each other, but this left them resentful. They were angry at each other, because they were giving up to much of themselves. Bethany and Blaine needed some confrontation, they needed some change. Therapy offered the challenge to grow. Bethany went back to work and started making new friends. This helped her feel better about her self, and this alleviated Blaine’s worries about finances. Blaine learned to try new things sexually. He started to view their sex life as an adventure for himself and not a sacrifice for Bethany. This helped him manage his depression. Instead of giving up things for each other, they challenged each other to grow. Bethany and Blaine moved from Level One Intimacy to Level Two Intimacy.

These couples needed therapy to find the space for growth. They were both stuck in their patterns. Anna and Alex were stuck in a pattern of constant challenge. Bethany and Blaine were stuck in a pattern of constant compromise. Therapy helped them get unstuck. Real healthy relationships grow. Growth happens when the couple can cycle from Level One Intimacy to Level Two Intimacy and back again. This cycle effectively produces growth. Couples must compromise, but they must challenge each other too. The challenge of Level Two Intimacy creates vulnerability. When that vulnerability is met with safety of Level One Intimacy change is rewarded with security. When couples can do both Levels effectively, they grow. 

No confidentiality was breached in this article.

The stories in this essay are not actual clients, 

but composites from several clients,

cases I have supervised

and  people I have known personally.

Real Intimacy, Real Growth (Part 4)

Growth is essential for relationships. When individuals don't grow; relationships don't grow. If relationships don't grow then they become unhealthy. These unhealthy relationships inhibit individual growth. Notice the potential for an vicious cycle to develop. Lack of growth leads to unhealthy relationships; which leads to unhealthy people who won’t grow; which in turn promotes the unhealthy relationship.

Intimacy only occurs in relationships that are healthy and growing. (Important Note: Sex is not the same as Intimacy, but sex is an important part of intimacy.) Dr. David Schnarch proposes there are two levels of intimacy. 

Level 1 Intimacy:
Arises from compromise and compassion. This requires listening and understanding. That creates security which feels safe. (Blaine and Bethany were good at this.)

Level 2 Intimacy: 
Arises from challenge and confrontation. This pushes the individuals to challenge insecurity and creates change. Level Two is high energy and exciting. This can also be great for the sex life. (Anna and Alex were good at this.)

Neither level is better than the other; both levels are necessary. Couples need times of safety and security, and they need times of confrontation and change...

Learn more in Part 5 tomorrow...

Real Intimacy, Real Growth (Part 3)

Its NOT About Communication.

At least not as much as people think. So many times couples focus on communication and compromise as a foundation for their relationship. This is only half right.

Most couples don't have a problem communicating. 

Most couples know what each other wants, but they are unable to change. Couples therapy is not that simple. Communication skills are a foundation, but not as important as people think. Couples therapy is about creating CHANGE! Often couples know how to say what they want, and their partner hears what they are asking. Most couples do not have a problem communicating, but have a problem growing. Bethany and Blaine kept trying to do things for each other, but then resented each other for it. Blaine and Bethany kept saying what their partner wanted to hear, but neither one was willing to grow. Bethany wanted things to be more exciting (especially in the bedroom) but this only made Blaine feel inadequate. Blaine wanted Bethany to be more understanding of his depression and help him feel better. This couple did not need to communicate better they needed to grow and move in a new direction.

Real Intimacy, Real Growth (Part 2)

Couple B:

Bethany married Blaine because he was smart and sensitive and understanding. Blaine was so different than the other men she had dated. Blaine said he was always supportive of Bethany. Blaine felt they communicated well and that they compromised often. In fact their friends thought they were the model couple. Despite what their friends thought Bethany and Blaine were miserable. Bethany had stopped working because she wanted to stay at home with their children (but now the kids were older and in school.) Blaine admitted that he was depressed, and worried about their finances. Even though they spent most of their time together they did NOT enjoy that time. Bethany was looking for something more. She encouraged Blaine to be open and honest about their sex life, but this backfired. Blaine admitted that he was uncomfortable with their sex life, and that he really did not enjoy the same things she did. Bethany tried to be understanding and backed off sexually. This led to even less sex and less excitement. They were coming for therapy because Bethany wanted out. She was unfulfilled; she felt their relationship was boring. She said, “I just want there to be some excitement, again.” 

Blaine said, “I love her, but I am Not In Love with her.”

These relationship double-binds are as frustrating as a soup-sandwich...

How do you overcome them...?

No confidentiality was breached in this article.

The stories in this essay are not actual clients, 

but composites from several clients,

cases I have supervised

and  people I have known personally.

Real Intimacy, Real Growth (Part 1)

Couple A:

Anna and Alex would fight all the time. They came to therapy because they argued frequently and angered each other so much. They spent the first fifteen minuets of the first session telling the therapist what was wrong. The therapist quickly noticed just how negative they’d become. In an effort to change the energy level in the room the therapist asked, “What attracted you two to each other in the first place?” Alex answered with a description of Anna’s beauty. Anna smiled and said that Alex was very sensual. The therapist reading between the lines said, “So the sex is good.” 

“Yeah, it’s good,” Alex smiled. 

“It’s Great,” Anna corrected with a giggle. 

“What else works for your relationship,” the therapist probed for more strengths to build on. The couple could not list more positives about each other, but they brought up positives about themselves. Anna said she was very active; she worked full time, she was going back to school and had many friends. Alex enjoyed the outdoors and loved adventure sports. Alex was always trying new hobbies. Kayaking was Alex’s newest adventure. The couple was very outgoing and active but did not do a lot together, other than sex. It was nearly impossible for them to come up with any other positives about their relationship. Even when prompted to come up with positives they could not stop pointing out negatives. The therapist saw the startled look on Anna’s face when she realized how hard it was for them to say anything good about each other.

Anna and Alex were constantly on the move. They were very active. They were constantly challenging each other and correcting each other. Alex was always on the lookout for a new adventure. Anna was going back to school for the third time. They thrived on change. But this constant change was only for change’s sake. Even though this couple was changing they were not growing.

Bethany and Blaine were just the opposite of Anna and Alex...

Read their story next...

No confidentiality was breached in this article.

The stories in this essay are not actual clients, 

but composites from several clients,

cases I have supervised

and  people I have known personally.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 10

10. Trust

Be Trustworthy. If you want her to unleash her wild side she needs to trust you. If she is going to trust you, then you need to be open and honest with her. To be honest, you need to have nothing to hide. Surveys show that the quality women value most in a man is “trust.” If you have something to confess and you need help from a third party, consider enlisting the help of a therapist or a member of the clergy. A clean conscience feels sexier than a guilty one.

Conclusion

Men, if she does not live up to your expectations, stop… Look in the mirror and ask, “What is my part?” You can NOT control her, but you can do something about you. Don’t wait and don’t be afraid. You do your part, and see what happens. Support her and believe in her, and give her the chance to be the woman you’re looking for.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 9

9. Forgive Her

Forgive her. The most important sex organ is the brain. The thoughts you carry around about each other will impact how attracted you are to each other. Negative thoughts, resentments or grudges are toxic to your sex life. So forgive her, and ask her to forgive you. If you have hurt each other (and what couple hasn't ) then you must learn to forgive each other and let things go. Passion sparks when hatchets are buried.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 8

8. Give It To Her

DO IT! If you are not feeling attracted to your wife, have sex with her – just DO it! Studies have shown that certain “bonding” hormones are released during sex (especially during orgasm.) The hormones that are released during sex are the same hormones experienced by a woman when mothers breast feed. These hormones help form a bond between mother and baby and can similarly form a bond between sex partners. Every time you or she orgasms, you are bonding – building a bio-chemical bridge of connection. The more you have sex with her; the more likely you are to be attracted to her, and she to you.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 7

7. Give Just Because

Show her how you feel. Don’t wait for special occasions to do something special. Often the expectation of gifts on holidays decreases their perceived value. Surprise her with flowers, plan a date or a give a gift for no reason. These surprises will have a greater impact because they are for HER – not for the holiday. Do little things too. Notes, cards, hugs… can show her your love with just a little effort on your part. It may not feel natural at first, but you’d be surprised at how easy it can be to make a difference. This does not come naturally for most guys, but it is worth the effort.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 6

6. Give Her Space

Back off. This is not going to happen over night. Some things are worth the wait. Stop putting pressure on her. It’s just not SEXY! Once you have had the heart-felt talk with her, don’t bring it up again. Be patient. Give her time. If this is a long term relationship, then it is worth investing in. You need to give her the space, so she can desire you. Don’t remind her how long it has been since you had sex; instead remind her how much you love her, and remind her how sexy she is!

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 5

5. Share Your Feelings

Tell her how you feel. Don’t just focus on sex; connect with her. Tell her the things you feel strongly about, and listen to what she values. Talk about your dreams and aspirations, and listen to hers. One of the best ways to improve a relationship is to taking interest in and supporting each other’s life goals. If the two of you feel successful at life, you will have success in the bedroom.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 4

4. Share Your Thoughts

Talk about sex. It is important to discuss sex with her. She just might surprise you. If you are willing to express yourself and share your likes and dislikes, she might be willing to try new things. She may even suggest something you haven’t thought of yet. Honesty is surprisingly sexy.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 3

3. Check Her Out

Help her be sexy. A major complaint from men is that their wives have gained weight or do not look as young as they use to... Pause for a second and... Shake Your Head... But research from Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland showed that people who have more sex (an average of 4 times a week) tend to look 7 to 12 years younger. If your wife is "not as hot" as she used to be, maybe you should pay her more attention! And again, sex is exercise. The more she enjoys you, the more she will enjoy herself. Then you will both feel healthier, younger and more energetic.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 2

2. Check Your Body

Eat right and exercise. Many people put off their health because of work or the kids. But being tired is no excuse. Regular exercise gives you more energy. A healthy diet and regular exercise have been proven to reduce depression and anxiety. Additionally, a good exercise program reduces weight, increases endurance, and improves flexibility; these will invariably improve your sex life. Exercising together can bring you closer too. And remember: Sex itself is exercise; you burn over 100 calories per 30 minutes of sex.

As you start to look and feel better your confidence will improve. Remember Step 1?

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 1

1.Check Your Brain

Realize it’s all in your head. For years men have been accused of, “thinking with the wrong head.” This refers to the belief that men put their libido first, and all else second. This may not be true. The study mentioned above indicates that men may be thinking too much. Most of these men believed that their wives were not interested in sex. Some men specifically mentioned that their wives did not “show enthusiasm or give the positive reinforcement they needed.” Guys, don’t over analyze things and don’t expect her to give you reinforcement. Be confident and enthusiastic; don’t wait for her. Waiting for her to validate you makes you look weak and that is a huge turn-off. If you believe in yourself she is more likely to find you attractive and responded accordingly.

Man Up!

Men struggle with their sexuality, according to The New York Post. The article titled "It’s Not You- It’s Him" by Melissa Klein (December 16, 2007) refers to new research that men are as responsible for frigidity in marriage – and long term relationships – as women are. Women are often stereotyped as “cold fish” and men frequently blame their wives for their lackluster sex life. A recent study by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz supported the latter; finding that 68% of men do blame their wives for “failing to inflame their passion.” However, the survey also found that only 3% of these men were not interested in sex at all and less 1% admitted they were gay. This leaves the majority of men interested in sex, but not interested in sex with their partners. But it is not just Her fault. So guys, what’s wrong?

Well the survey also states that 14% of the men said they were too tired, 38% of men stated that their wives gained weight, 41% admitted to being bored and 61% believed that their wives did not enjoy sex. The article goes on to refer to these men as “whining and complaining.” Only 20% of the men surveyed said that they were cheating, but Berkowitz said, “If these guys are not having sex with their wives, they’re probably having affairs.” This makes men look rather pathetic.

Guys, it’s time to step up and take responsibility for our own sexuality! 

If you want to get more pussy, stop acting like a pussy! 

Cumming Up:

During the next 5 days...

10 ways He can improve Her sex life...

Kiss Me!

Many of us live life based on Emotion. How often do you say,

"I feel like it..."

"I'm not in the mood..."

"I don't know why..."

"I just did it..."


However, most often emotion follows behavior. If you act on something it is likely to improve your mood. For example: you may have to "kick your own ass" to exercise. But afterwards you FEEL better. Then its not long before a few "ass kickings" turn into a love for the gym. Jump starting your sex life can be the same (but not nearly as difficult.) Just Kiss!

Sometimes you have to make a conscious effort to reconnect with your partner. Make a choice to ignite the passion. Did you know that open-mouth kissing allows for the transfer of hormones from one to another?

Even though you think of testosterone as a male hormone. Women's bodies have testosterone too. In fact, testosterone is a key ingredient for orgasm in both men AND WOMEN. Mucus membranes in the mouth are permeable to hormones like testosterone, which you can introduce to your partners mouth by kissing. Testosterone then increases arousal, which leads to more and better sex!

The Dirty Dozen: 12 Positions to Help Her Orgasm

Ladies, here are 12 ways to help you finish strong and 6 reasons why they work.

There are 6 keys to the female orgasm.

1. Consistent Stimulation. Positions where you are on top allows you to control the speed, rhythm.

2. Clitoral Stimulation: Positions where you can grind your clitoris against him, like C-A-T or Thigh Tide, can achieve this extra stimulation. Also positions where you can touch your clitoris yourself, like Back Seat Diver, Spoon and Intersection, are some of the best ways to reach the Promised Land.

3. G-Spot Simulation: For some women this is more necessary than clitoral stimulation. Sniper, Italian Hanger and Jockey can work the G-Spot. Every woman is different and penises come in varying sizes. So, one of these may find your G-Spot better than others.

4. Depth of Simulation: Some women enjoy the deep penetration and even that little bit of pain associated with impact against the cervix. Most of the "from behind" positions allow for greater depth.

5. Emotional Simulation: Often feeling connected is the most important sexual component. Trust. vulnerably, respect, attention, affection, and support are vital ingredients to sex. This is why a healthy relationship is so important. Positions that include eye contact, like Lotus, work wonders.

6. Sensory Simulation: Yes, Visual Stimulation is not just for men. Be willing to Objectify your man. Also, enjoy his scent and taste. Plus, if you drive him wild, enjoy the sounds he makes. Lust is key to Love.


And now what you have been waiting for...

COWGIRL

MASTERY

BACK SEAT DRIVER

THE C-A-T

G-SPOT SNIPER

LOTUS

SPOON

BENT SPOON

INTERSECTION

ITALIAN HANGER

JOCKEY

THIGH TIDE

Pictures from:
http://badgirlsbible.com/best-sex-positions