Thursday, August 8, 2013

Trust (Part 2)


Trust is also an exercise in faith. When we trust we open ourselves to potential reward. Like so many things in life the painful moments eclipse the joyous times. We forget all those times, and all those people who thrive with our trust.
The people who are there when you need them…
The people who you can call all hours of the night…
The people who make you smile on a bad day…
The people who make you laugh…
The people who make you dinner…
The people who buy you a drink…
The people who take road trips with you…
The people that give you gifts...
The people who push you to be stronger…
There are more of those than we realize.
And they wouldn't be there if we had not trusted them. Trust is a gift given. There is nothing wrong with giving that gift. The trust we give is not just in the object trusted...


but its also about our strength of self. Trust Your Self to Trust. 


Trust (Part 1)


Trust is like a triple scope ice cream cone on hot summer day. If you don’t enjoy it right now it melts away. In fact the only why to keep it from going to waste, is share it before it’s gone.
Too many times we trust others and get burned. That is the nature of trust. Trust is an exercise in vulnerability. When we trust we open ourselves to potential pain. If I trust you and you violate that trust: who is to blame? …Me, for trusting you? …Or You for beaching my trust?
But even if you gave no warning…
Even if I was totally caught unawares…
Even if you are completely to blame…
It still hurts like HELL!

Then is it wrong to trust?
Life is trial and error. The errors are a key ingredient to the recipe. If we don't fail, we don't learn. Trusting the "wrong" people shapes who we are as much as trusting the "right" people. Once again to reiterate the lessons from Kindergarten, "Its okay to make mistakes." 
Trust yourself to learn. 

Here you might expect an instruction to "learn from those mistakes" and not trust the "wrong" people again. That instruction is avoided because its next to impossible. This is not a suggestion to continue trusting someone who had already betrayed you. You can learn from them and move on, but you can't assume that learning from their betrayal will prevent you from being betrayed by someone else.

For the most part there are not wrong people, only immature people. We wrongly believe people because they wrongly believe themselves. Its easy to believe people have the best of intentions, because they do. They are trying to believe in themselves and convince themselves that they are trustworthy. Its a lot easier to sell a lie when you believe that lie. People lie to themselves as much than they lie to us. People rationalize and justify all sorts of behavior; we just get caught in their wake.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Real Intimacy, Real Growth (Part 5)


Anna and Alex were stuck in Level Two Intimacy. They were always changing and they were having great sex; but the two of them were unhappy. They burned-out from their fast paced life. Anna and Alex were trying to find something in their life that would make them happy. All their activity failed to make them happy. So, they tried to force the other person to change, and that gave way to vicious arguments. Through therapy Anna and Alex grew. They stopped blaming each other and they stopped trying to win arguments. Anna stopped trying to convince Alex she was right and Alex stopped trying to "WIN" the arguments  They became willing to compromise and willing to “agree to disagree.” They finally moved out of Level Two Intimacy and into Level One Intimacy.



Bethany and Blaine were also stuck. They were stuck at Level One Intimacy. They knew how to compromise and how give into each other, but this left them resentful. They were angry at each other, because they were giving up to much of themselves. Bethany and Blaine needed some confrontation, they needed some change. Therapy offered the challenge to grow. Bethany went back to work and started making new friends. This helped her feel better about her self, and this alleviated Blaine’s worries about finances. Blaine learned to try new things sexually. He started to view their sex life as an adventure for himself and not a sacrifice for Bethany. This helped him manage his depression. Instead of giving up things for each other, they challenged each other to grow. Bethany and Blaine moved from Level One Intimacy to Level Two Intimacy.



These couples needed therapy to find the space for growth. They were both stuck in their patterns. Anna and Alex were stuck in a pattern of constant challenge. Bethany and Blaine were stuck in a pattern of constant compromise. Therapy helped them get unstuck. Real healthy relationships grow. Growth happens when the couple can cycle from Level One Intimacy to Level Two Intimacy and back again. This cycle effectively produces growth. Couples must compromise, but they must challenge each other too. The challenge of Level Two Intimacy creates vulnerability. When that vulnerability is met with safety of Level One Intimacy change is rewarded with security. When couples can do both Levels effectively, they grow. 

No confidentiality was breached in this article.
The stories in this essay are not actual clients, 
but composites from several clients,
cases I have supervised
and  people I have known personally.

Real Intimacy, Real Growth (Part 4)

Growth is essential for relationships. When individuals don't grow; relationships don't grow. If relationships don't grow then they become unhealthy. These unhealthy relationships inhibit individual growth. Notice the potential for an vicious cycle to develop. Lack of growth leads to unhealthy relationships; which leads to unhealthy people who won’t grow; which in turn promotes the unhealthy relationship.

Intimacy only occurs in relationships that are healthy and growing. (Important Note: Sex is not the same as Intimacy, but sex is an important part of intimacy.) Dr. David Schnarch proposes there are two levels of intimacy. 

Level 1 Intimacy:
Arises from compromise and compassion. This requires listening and understanding. That creates security which feels safe. (Blaine and Bethany were good at this.)




Level 2 Intimacy: 
Arises from challenge and confrontation. This pushes the individuals to challenge insecurity and creates change. Level Two is high energy and exciting. This can also be great for the sex life. (Anna and Alex were good at this.)




Neither level is better than the other; both levels are necessary. Couples need times of safety and security, and they need times of confrontation and change...

Learn more in Part 5 tomorrow...