Monday, May 5, 2014

More THIS and More THAT

Ms. Fox: THIS is always about THAT. Then arguing is always about sex?

Mr. Wolf: Kind of… Arguing and Sex are about the same thing: Vulnerability meeting Support.

Ms. Fox: Most arguments don’t end in support. They usually end with a sarcastic “Whatever!”

Mr. Wolf: ...Or a slammed door ...or a not so veiled FaceBook post.

Ms. Fox: I hate when people put their relationship status out there... like they’re the next Lifetime original movie of the week.

Mr. Wolf: The second most important thing is that arguing is not about winning or losing.

Ms. Fox: Right, if I always WIN, then he always LOSES… And I don’t want to be married to a loser.

Mr. Wolf: What’s most important is that arguments are about understanding.

Ms. Fox: You have to find what is behind the anger and express it. Express the hurt behind the anger so your partner can understand.

Mr. Wolf: Right, if I let my partner know what is really bothering me then they are more likely to be understanding.

Ms. Fox: When you direct your anger at your partner then they are more likely to become defensive. The battlelines are drawn and it becomes about winning or losing.

Mr. Wolf: Exactly!

Ms. Fox: That is how it becomes about sex, Yay!

Mr. Wolf: Your favorite topic.

Ms. Fox: Yes. When the argument is about understanding, then vulnerability is met with support.

Mr. Wolf: Meeting vulnerability with support works for fighting and fucking.

Ms. Fox: You’re not just talking about make-up sex. Not that there is anything wrong with that... But you're talking about trust and connection.

Mr. Wolf: Yes, I’m talking about the dynamics of a secure relationship. A secure relationship that creates a container for vulnerability allows you to overcome insecurity. This is true both in the bedroom and outside the bedroom.

Ms. Fox: I like sex outside the bedroom… But I know what mean. If I am secure enough to be supportive when my partner is being vulnerable, I can truly connect with him.  

Mr. Wolf: Exactly, and that is true is you’re arguing about which way the toilet paper hangs, or trying to tell your partner that you want to watch porn while having sex.

Ms. Fox: If my partner is aware that he is not just angry at me, but he is really hurt; then I can be supportive and show understanding of that hurt. If he can explain how he is feeling embarrassed, offended, disappointed, worried, afraid or ignored; then I can show care and compassion.

Mr. Wolf: Right, care and compassion. You can listen much easier when you don’t have to defend yourself. If your partner is not lashing out in anger, then you are much less likely to come back with anger. Support creates support.

Ms. Fox: We all have insecurity. Our success is largely dependent on how we overcome those insecurities.

Mr. Wolf: ...and if you don’t need to defend your insecurity, then you can be there for your partner. You can support them as they over come their insecurities.

Ms. Fox: Like yesterday’s blog said the argument is really about:

1. Trust & Betrayal
  2. Respect & Significance
  3. Care & Support
  4. Attention & Affection
  5. Understanding & Acceptance

Mr. Wolf: When a couple is able to work through these things, then are able to feel truly secure with each other.

Ms. Fox: Yes! That is where the sex comes in. A secure relationship allows for greater errotic expression. If I am secure that my man will not cheat on me, then I am more likely to enjoy watching porn with him. Just for an example. Watching porn turns me on, but the thought of him watching porn makes me wonder if he thinks the other women are sexier than me. That can undermine my trust. However, if I am secure in my sexappeal and secure in his desire for me, then I am not intimidated by the woman on my computer screen. Instead of being jealous of her, I can enjoy HER sexappeal and MY sexappeal at the same time. That allows us as a couple to watch porn together and enhance our sexlife. That’s infinitely better than the classic scenario: husband watches porn without his wife and wife feels cheated on.

Mr. Wolf: That is a great example because, not everyone is going to enjoy porn. It is important to still be understanding even if you don’t like the fetish that your partner brings to the bedroom.

Ms. Fox: Like the guy who gets off on feet. If a husband finally has the courage to tell his wife that he has foot fetish, she still needs to be understanding.

Mr. Wolf: Right, if she acts like he is weird or perverted because he likes something she doesn’t; then he could feel very rejected.

Ms. Fox: So, it is important for her to listen. She doesn’t have to get turned on by it, but she can let him explain. He can explain that he wants her to wear high heels more often; he wants to suck on her toes; he wants put to his penis between the lubricated arches of her feet and thrust to have sex with her feet. He can explain his while she sets aside her judgement. She can appreciate his arousal, even if it doesn’t excite her.

Mr. Wolf: It could be very hard for her to hear, if it doesn’t turn her on. She might be able to learn to like it; she might not. They might just have to compromise. She might never like her feet touched in a sexual way. However, she can wear high-heels more often and even wear them to bed. If wearing heels makes her feel sexy and that also gets him excited, then there is a good compromise. Another compromise could include the combining of fetishes. Maybe she likes porn and he likes feet, so they end up watching some foot porn.

Ms. Fox: It is important that she try to understand. Even if she doesn't understand, she doesn’t have to judge him for his fetish. Even if they never act on it.

Mr. Wolf: Exactly!

Ms. Fox: Her trying could be very important to him. She might not learn to like it, but she might learn to enjoy his arousal. She could tolerate the act, but she could be aroused because of his arousal.

That would certainly bring them closer together. Him fulfilling his desire, her enjoying his arousal, him expressing his vulnerability, her being supportive, him feeling loved and cared for, her feeling generous and giving, him loving her for that generosity, her feeling appreciated by him. That could be beautiful.

Mr. Wolf: It is definitely beautiful when a couple connects deeply like that. Even if it is over feet.

Mr. Wolf: Yes, what is most important: Using understanding to meet vulnerability with support.


Ms. Fox: Now is it time for some sexy stories? Let’s get into the “Pushing the Envelope Vignettes.”

Mr. Wolf: Not yet. There is one more step to CREATING a safe container.

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