More THIS and More THAT

Ms. Fox: THIS is always about THAT. Then arguing is always about sex?

Mr. Wolf: Kind of… Arguing and Sex are about the same thing: Vulnerability meeting Support.

Ms. Fox: Most arguments don’t end in support. They usually end with a sarcastic “Whatever!”

Mr. Wolf: ...Or a slammed door ...or a not so veiled FaceBook post.

Ms. Fox: I hate when people put their relationship status out there... like they’re the next Lifetime original movie of the week.

Mr. Wolf: The second most important thing is that arguing is not about winning or losing.

Ms. Fox: Right, if I always WIN, then he always LOSES… And I don’t want to be married to a loser.

Mr. Wolf: What’s most important is that arguments are about understanding.

Ms. Fox: You have to find what is behind the anger and express it. Express the hurt behind the anger so your partner can understand.

Mr. Wolf: Right, if I let my partner know what is really bothering me then they are more likely to be understanding.

Ms. Fox: When you direct your anger at your partner then they are more likely to become defensive. The battlelines are drawn and it becomes about winning or losing.

Mr. Wolf: Exactly!

Ms. Fox: That is how it becomes about sex, Yay!

Mr. Wolf: Your favorite topic.

Ms. Fox: Yes. When the argument is about understanding, then vulnerability is met with support.

Mr. Wolf: Meeting vulnerability with support works for fighting and fucking.

Ms. Fox: You’re not just talking about make-up sex. Not that there is anything wrong with that... But you're talking about trust and connection.

Mr. Wolf: Yes, I’m talking about the dynamics of a secure relationship. A secure relationship that creates a container for vulnerability allows you to overcome insecurity. This is true both in the bedroom and outside the bedroom.

Ms. Fox: I like sex outside the bedroom… But I know what mean. If I am secure enough to be supportive when my partner is being vulnerable, I can truly connect with him.  

Mr. Wolf: Exactly, and that is true is you’re arguing about which way the toilet paper hangs, or trying to tell your partner that you want to watch porn while having sex.

Ms. Fox: If my partner is aware that he is not just angry at me, but he is really hurt; then I can be supportive and show understanding of that hurt. If he can explain how he is feeling embarrassed, offended, disappointed, worried, afraid or ignored; then I can show care and compassion.

Mr. Wolf: Right, care and compassion. You can listen much easier when you don’t have to defend yourself. If your partner is not lashing out in anger, then you are much less likely to come back with anger. Support creates support.

Ms. Fox: We all have insecurity. Our success is largely dependent on how we overcome those insecurities.

Mr. Wolf: ...and if you don’t need to defend your insecurity, then you can be there for your partner. You can support them as they over come their insecurities.

Ms. Fox: Like yesterday’s blog said the argument is really about:

1. Trust & Betrayal
  2. Respect & Significance
  3. Care & Support
  4. Attention & Affection
  OR
  5. Understanding & Acceptance

Mr. Wolf: When a couple is able to work through these things, then are able to feel truly secure with each other.

Ms. Fox: Yes! That is where the sex comes in. A secure relationship allows for greater errotic expression. If I am secure that my man will not cheat on me, then I am more likely to enjoy watching porn with him. Just for an example. Watching porn turns me on, but the thought of him watching porn makes me wonder if he thinks the other women are sexier than me. That can undermine my trust. However, if I am secure in my sexappeal and secure in his desire for me, then I am not intimidated by the woman on my computer screen. Instead of being jealous of her, I can enjoy HER sexappeal and MY sexappeal at the same time. That allows us as a couple to watch porn together and enhance our sexlife. That’s infinitely better than the classic scenario: husband watches porn without his wife and wife feels cheated on.

Mr. Wolf: That is a great example because, not everyone is going to enjoy porn. It is important to still be understanding even if you don’t like the fetish that your partner brings to the bedroom.

Ms. Fox: Like the guy who gets off on feet. If a husband finally has the courage to tell his wife that he has foot fetish, she still needs to be understanding.

Mr. Wolf: Right, if she acts like he is weird or perverted because he likes something she doesn’t; then he could feel very rejected.

Ms. Fox: So, it is important for her to listen. She doesn’t have to get turned on by it, but she can let him explain. He can explain that he wants her to wear high heels more often; he wants to suck on her toes; he wants put to his penis between the lubricated arches of her feet and thrust to have sex with her feet. He can explain his while she sets aside her judgement. She can appreciate his arousal, even if it doesn’t excite her.

Mr. Wolf: It could be very hard for her to hear, if it doesn’t turn her on. She might be able to learn to like it; she might not. They might just have to compromise. She might never like her feet touched in a sexual way. However, she can wear high-heels more often and even wear them to bed. If wearing heels makes her feel sexy and that also gets him excited, then there is a good compromise. Another compromise could include the combining of fetishes. Maybe she likes porn and he likes feet, so they end up watching some foot porn.

Ms. Fox: It is important that she try to understand. Even if she doesn't understand, she doesn’t have to judge him for his fetish. Even if they never act on it.

Mr. Wolf: Exactly!

Ms. Fox: Her trying could be very important to him. She might not learn to like it, but she might learn to enjoy his arousal. She could tolerate the act, but she could be aroused because of his arousal.

That would certainly bring them closer together. Him fulfilling his desire, her enjoying his arousal, him expressing his vulnerability, her being supportive, him feeling loved and cared for, her feeling generous and giving, him loving her for that generosity, her feeling appreciated by him. That could be beautiful.

Mr. Wolf: It is definitely beautiful when a couple connects deeply like that. Even if it is over feet.

Mr. Wolf: Yes, what is most important: Using understanding to meet vulnerability with support.

Editorial

Ms. Fox: Now is it time for some sexy stories? Let’s get into the “Pushing the Envelope Vignettes.”

Mr. Wolf: Not yet. There is one more step to CREATING a safe container.

This And That

Most people fight about "THIS" when what they really want is "THAT"...

Your argument is NOT REALLY about who should do dishes, or forgetting to put a new bag in the trashcan or leaving wet clothes on the floor. Yes, you probably think its important to have these things done… and done your way. However, in the grand scheme of things the world will not spin off its axis if you have to fold the laundry and they never do. Sure its not fair, but life is not fair. There are things they do that you never do.

THIS is not really THAT important.

What is THAT important?

What is THIS really about???

THIS is Really About THAT...

Almost all your arguments are Really about:

1. Trust & Betrayal
2. Respect & Significance
3. Care & Support
4. Attention & Affection
OR
5. Understanding & Acceptance

You are not THIS furious about a FaceBook message from an ex-boyfriend.  

You are worried THAT it may give you a reason to not trust your partner, or worse yet THAT you are already betrayed.

You are not THIS angry about him being late and not calling.

You feel disrespected because THAT means you are not significant enough to him.

You are not THIS frustrated about her not doing the dishes.

You feel unsupported because THAT means she does not care as much as you do.

You are not THIS pissed-off because you just want sex.

You are hurt because THAT means you are not are attractive enough to get their attention and affection.

You are not THIS upset because your partner is not interested in your foot fetish.

You feel THAT your partner thinks you’re weird and doesn’t understand your desire or accept who you are.

Be careful about the meaning you assign to your partner’s actions. Anger (frustrated, upset, pissed-off, furious, rage…) is a protective emotion. Learn to identify what your Anger is protecting. What meaning are you assigning to your partner’s actions and how does that really make you feel? What is behind the anger???

Editorial:

Jacqueline Fox, “Wait!? this is supposed to be about pushing envelope. We are supposed to be talking about SEX.

Brad Wolf, “Remember, THIS is always about THAT.”

Pushing the Envelope

Pushing the envelope, hedonism, out of the box, alternative, divergent, fetishist, open-minded, adventurous, kinky…

There are a myriad of euphemisms people use when their sex life is… Well… Out of the ordinary. Thanks to internet porn, Sex in the City, L-Word, Califonication, Big Love, Girl With a Dragon Tattoo, and 50 Shades of Grey things that were considered deviant 20-30 years ago are now topics at your average dinner party. And now Shia LaBeouf (seriously the kid from Even Stevens) gets it on in the new movie Nymphomaniac. Times have changed! Does that really surprise us after other former child celebrities Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan had their bi-sexual moments. Sex is out: Out of the Closet, Out of the Box and Far Out there.

Oral sex was the taboo of the 1970’s; is anyone old enough to remember Deep Throat, the movie that turned XXX into porno chic? Anal sex was the taboo of the 1980’s. Homosexuality was finally normalized in the 1990’s; at least in Europe on the West Coast of the U.S. Threesomes were all the rage in the new millennium. What now? What is this decade's decadence? Polygamy, swinging, and polyamory are getting a lot of attention these days. Are couples ready for this? Some say, “Yes, please.” Most say, “NO! Not yet.” There will be time to get to those new taboos. Don’t push the envelope too far too fast. For now, its time to get caught up to the new to the new millennium.  

What is a monogamous couple to do? How do you navigate this era where sex is becoming the new final frontier. NASA has retired the space shuttles. Sorry, trekkers but it looks like space exploration is on hold for now. If you want to “Boldly go where no one has gone before…” the adventure might be right there in your own bedroom, or at least, “it’s made in a Hollywood basement.” Come on, everyone’s doin’ it. Not really, but at least they are talking about it. They want to do it. You know you want to be one of the brave and the bold.

An upcoming series vignettes will show how monogamous couples are navigating this once forbidden territory.

"I'll Be Back"

Coming Soon:

Pushing the Envelope Series

The Introduction of Lady Foxxx, providing the female POV for LoveLifeSexLife

"I am wet with anticipation..."

Great Expectations

Expectations are the “Chinese Democracy” of life. One waits to long for something that just can’t be good enough. Expectations undermine relationships because they are often never communicated thereby requiring telepathy to discern. They undermine relationships because they often ignore reality of life and set their partner up for failure. They undermine relationships since they are limited to the perspective of the one holding the expectation, therefore ignoring what the other person is actually contributing. Most importantly expectations set the individual up for disappointment. Nothing is more disappointing than thinking "this is going to be great!" only to bite into something mediocre. But who's fault is it for that mediocrity? 


Too many times we set others up for failure. If I expect you to read my mind; if I expect you to know what I need; if I expect you to give me what I want (without making my desires known) then I will be left wanting. There is just no way for you to know everything about me. Even if I do communicate my desires, it is not always possible to give me all that I want. Its important to recognize what is “wanted” and what is “needed.” It is also important to recognize the difference between intention and result. Sometimes people fail to give us want we want despite their best effort to the contrary. No one person can be the end-all-be-all of our life. Sorry, there is no Prince Charming to sweep you off and give you the world. Now, don’t get me wrong. I believe in “happily-ever-after,” it just doesn't happen by finding the perfect person. Hate to break it to you. No one is perfect... And that is not breaking news. In fact take a look at the crap that breaks cross your TV and passes as news... See that... Nothing is perfect.

The real culprit is expectations of your self. Too many times we believe that we shouldn't fail. The best advice I received came from a volleyball coach who said, “everyone thinks they are better player than they really are.” If you expect yourself to be perfect you will let yourself down repeatedly. If you think you got it all together then you will always blame your partner; because it must be their fault.

Sometimes you have to learn to live with yourself before you live with others, and sometimes you just have to live.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Edward Cullen, Christian Grey... Or any character played by Matthew Mcconaughey... Face it woman like the Bad Boys. Whether he's an actual bad ass or just the dubious player, he makes her panties pulsate. There is something alluring about the guy that can't be caught. Deep down women want to be Sandra Dee to Danny Zuko. Well, not that deep down actually. Its right there boiling at the surface.

A diabolical battle raged across the ages: Not Beowulf vs Grendel, Not Hercules vs Minotaur, Not Ulysses vs Cyclops...

But The Nice Guy vs The Bad Boy.

What's funny? Why do I laugh? I'm both. I've been the nice guy who's advantage gets taken. And I've been the player who steals the other guys girl. I'm not proud of either of those. (Especially since it happened at the same time.) The problem: there is no hero in this fight. Women get all excited about The Bad Boy. Yet, women want the security of The Nice Guy. No matter which one she chooses she is always disappointed. The Bad Boy will never fulfill her. And The Nice Guy will never fill her full. What is a girl to do? Settle?

She could get her groove on with a few Bad Seeds. Then put down roots with the guy she can take home to mom and dad. But That doesn't work.

Or...

She could spend the rest of her life trying to turn one of those bad seeds into a good egg. Sorry ladies, you can't change him. That still doesn't work.

I've conducted enough couples therapy to know that these are recipes for failure... Or at least mediocrity.

And how does all this make him feel? "Taken advantage of" for being nice. "Like an ass" for not being good enough.
Both perpetuate the cycle. He contributes to the problem as much as she does. Then resentment festers until someone melts down Lindsay Lohan style.

Again! What's a girl to do? The truth is you can't change who he is, but you can change how you view him. Most guys are not "either/or." They really are "both/and." We have both our good and our bad sides. We can be sweet, and we can be nasty. You my dear, have the key. Don't take advantage of The Nice Guy, then fall for The Bad Boy. Reverse the rolls. Fall for The Nice Guy show him the appreciation and affection he deserves. Then take advantage of The Bad Boy. This won't be cheating if you realize he is one in same. He is two sides of the same coin. You just need to explore both.

Treat him like the nice guy you need him to be; then seduce him like the bad boy you want him to be.

Trust (Part 5)

Sometimes your heart is to life; as a kid is to his last ride at Disney World.

Maybe you can relate to this theme park experience:

Its the end of the day. You’re tried but not done; hot but still happy; excited but exhausted. Then your parents say, “the park is closing soon…time for one more ride.” Your head starts to swim! Its exciting to think that you can go on Mr Toad’s Wide Ride one more time… Space Mountain… But wait… what about the gift shop and that (what was it?) one more toy that you didn't get because it was too big to carry around the park all day. There are too many choices... and you just aren't ready for the day to end! Excitement and Disappointment collide in the explosive chemistry of Overwhelming.

New job, new town, new friends… Means leaving old friends, good memories and favorite places. Change is scary! Life can feel like one big juggling act. Like Joshua in the Bible, you wish could stop the sun and freeze time. There are so many amazing and beautiful moments in life... That you want to lock them in place and capture them like some marvelous work of art. But that’s not life. Life can be as beautiful as a Monet painting; as moving as a Michael Curtiz film; as frightening as a Shakespeare tragedy; and as passionate as a Rodin sculpture. Some times you are afraid to move on because you liked what you had... 

BUT…

What’s unique about life? What sets it apart? 

Life moves forward. 

It is not a static work of art. It is fluid...

Trust yourself to move with it...

You could find that leaving something you liked... 

makes room for something you LOVE.