Real Intimacy, Real Growth (Part 3)

Its NOT About Communication.

At least not as much as people think. So many times couples focus on communication and compromise as a foundation for their relationship. This is only half right.

Most couples don't have a problem communicating. 

Most couples know what each other wants, but they are unable to change. Couples therapy is not that simple. Communication skills are a foundation, but not as important as people think. Couples therapy is about creating CHANGE! Often couples know how to say what they want, and their partner hears what they are asking. Most couples do not have a problem communicating, but have a problem growing. Bethany and Blaine kept trying to do things for each other, but then resented each other for it. Blaine and Bethany kept saying what their partner wanted to hear, but neither one was willing to grow. Bethany wanted things to be more exciting (especially in the bedroom) but this only made Blaine feel inadequate. Blaine wanted Bethany to be more understanding of his depression and help him feel better. This couple did not need to communicate better they needed to grow and move in a new direction.

Real Intimacy, Real Growth (Part 2)

Couple B:

Bethany married Blaine because he was smart and sensitive and understanding. Blaine was so different than the other men she had dated. Blaine said he was always supportive of Bethany. Blaine felt they communicated well and that they compromised often. In fact their friends thought they were the model couple. Despite what their friends thought Bethany and Blaine were miserable. Bethany had stopped working because she wanted to stay at home with their children (but now the kids were older and in school.) Blaine admitted that he was depressed, and worried about their finances. Even though they spent most of their time together they did NOT enjoy that time. Bethany was looking for something more. She encouraged Blaine to be open and honest about their sex life, but this backfired. Blaine admitted that he was uncomfortable with their sex life, and that he really did not enjoy the same things she did. Bethany tried to be understanding and backed off sexually. This led to even less sex and less excitement. They were coming for therapy because Bethany wanted out. She was unfulfilled; she felt their relationship was boring. She said, “I just want there to be some excitement, again.” 

Blaine said, “I love her, but I am Not In Love with her.”

These relationship double-binds are as frustrating as a soup-sandwich...

How do you overcome them...?

No confidentiality was breached in this article.

The stories in this essay are not actual clients, 

but composites from several clients,

cases I have supervised

and  people I have known personally.

Real Intimacy, Real Growth (Part 1)

Couple A:

Anna and Alex would fight all the time. They came to therapy because they argued frequently and angered each other so much. They spent the first fifteen minuets of the first session telling the therapist what was wrong. The therapist quickly noticed just how negative they’d become. In an effort to change the energy level in the room the therapist asked, “What attracted you two to each other in the first place?” Alex answered with a description of Anna’s beauty. Anna smiled and said that Alex was very sensual. The therapist reading between the lines said, “So the sex is good.” 

“Yeah, it’s good,” Alex smiled. 

“It’s Great,” Anna corrected with a giggle. 

“What else works for your relationship,” the therapist probed for more strengths to build on. The couple could not list more positives about each other, but they brought up positives about themselves. Anna said she was very active; she worked full time, she was going back to school and had many friends. Alex enjoyed the outdoors and loved adventure sports. Alex was always trying new hobbies. Kayaking was Alex’s newest adventure. The couple was very outgoing and active but did not do a lot together, other than sex. It was nearly impossible for them to come up with any other positives about their relationship. Even when prompted to come up with positives they could not stop pointing out negatives. The therapist saw the startled look on Anna’s face when she realized how hard it was for them to say anything good about each other.

Anna and Alex were constantly on the move. They were very active. They were constantly challenging each other and correcting each other. Alex was always on the lookout for a new adventure. Anna was going back to school for the third time. They thrived on change. But this constant change was only for change’s sake. Even though this couple was changing they were not growing.

Bethany and Blaine were just the opposite of Anna and Alex...

Read their story next...

No confidentiality was breached in this article.

The stories in this essay are not actual clients, 

but composites from several clients,

cases I have supervised

and  people I have known personally.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 10

10. Trust

Be Trustworthy. If you want her to unleash her wild side she needs to trust you. If she is going to trust you, then you need to be open and honest with her. To be honest, you need to have nothing to hide. Surveys show that the quality women value most in a man is “trust.” If you have something to confess and you need help from a third party, consider enlisting the help of a therapist or a member of the clergy. A clean conscience feels sexier than a guilty one.

Conclusion

Men, if she does not live up to your expectations, stop… Look in the mirror and ask, “What is my part?” You can NOT control her, but you can do something about you. Don’t wait and don’t be afraid. You do your part, and see what happens. Support her and believe in her, and give her the chance to be the woman you’re looking for.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 9

9. Forgive Her

Forgive her. The most important sex organ is the brain. The thoughts you carry around about each other will impact how attracted you are to each other. Negative thoughts, resentments or grudges are toxic to your sex life. So forgive her, and ask her to forgive you. If you have hurt each other (and what couple hasn't ) then you must learn to forgive each other and let things go. Passion sparks when hatchets are buried.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 8

8. Give It To Her

DO IT! If you are not feeling attracted to your wife, have sex with her – just DO it! Studies have shown that certain “bonding” hormones are released during sex (especially during orgasm.) The hormones that are released during sex are the same hormones experienced by a woman when mothers breast feed. These hormones help form a bond between mother and baby and can similarly form a bond between sex partners. Every time you or she orgasms, you are bonding – building a bio-chemical bridge of connection. The more you have sex with her; the more likely you are to be attracted to her, and she to you.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 7

7. Give Just Because

Show her how you feel. Don’t wait for special occasions to do something special. Often the expectation of gifts on holidays decreases their perceived value. Surprise her with flowers, plan a date or a give a gift for no reason. These surprises will have a greater impact because they are for HER – not for the holiday. Do little things too. Notes, cards, hugs… can show her your love with just a little effort on your part. It may not feel natural at first, but you’d be surprised at how easy it can be to make a difference. This does not come naturally for most guys, but it is worth the effort.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 6

6. Give Her Space

Back off. This is not going to happen over night. Some things are worth the wait. Stop putting pressure on her. It’s just not SEXY! Once you have had the heart-felt talk with her, don’t bring it up again. Be patient. Give her time. If this is a long term relationship, then it is worth investing in. You need to give her the space, so she can desire you. Don’t remind her how long it has been since you had sex; instead remind her how much you love her, and remind her how sexy she is!

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 5

5. Share Your Feelings

Tell her how you feel. Don’t just focus on sex; connect with her. Tell her the things you feel strongly about, and listen to what she values. Talk about your dreams and aspirations, and listen to hers. One of the best ways to improve a relationship is to taking interest in and supporting each other’s life goals. If the two of you feel successful at life, you will have success in the bedroom.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 4

4. Share Your Thoughts

Talk about sex. It is important to discuss sex with her. She just might surprise you. If you are willing to express yourself and share your likes and dislikes, she might be willing to try new things. She may even suggest something you haven’t thought of yet. Honesty is surprisingly sexy.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 3

3. Check Her Out

Help her be sexy. A major complaint from men is that their wives have gained weight or do not look as young as they use to... Pause for a second and... Shake Your Head... But research from Royal Edinburgh Hospital in Scotland showed that people who have more sex (an average of 4 times a week) tend to look 7 to 12 years younger. If your wife is "not as hot" as she used to be, maybe you should pay her more attention! And again, sex is exercise. The more she enjoys you, the more she will enjoy herself. Then you will both feel healthier, younger and more energetic.

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 2

2. Check Your Body

Eat right and exercise. Many people put off their health because of work or the kids. But being tired is no excuse. Regular exercise gives you more energy. A healthy diet and regular exercise have been proven to reduce depression and anxiety. Additionally, a good exercise program reduces weight, increases endurance, and improves flexibility; these will invariably improve your sex life. Exercising together can bring you closer too. And remember: Sex itself is exercise; you burn over 100 calories per 30 minutes of sex.

As you start to look and feel better your confidence will improve. Remember Step 1?

10 Ways to Improve Her Sex Life 1

1.Check Your Brain

Realize it’s all in your head. For years men have been accused of, “thinking with the wrong head.” This refers to the belief that men put their libido first, and all else second. This may not be true. The study mentioned above indicates that men may be thinking too much. Most of these men believed that their wives were not interested in sex. Some men specifically mentioned that their wives did not “show enthusiasm or give the positive reinforcement they needed.” Guys, don’t over analyze things and don’t expect her to give you reinforcement. Be confident and enthusiastic; don’t wait for her. Waiting for her to validate you makes you look weak and that is a huge turn-off. If you believe in yourself she is more likely to find you attractive and responded accordingly.

Man Up!

Men struggle with their sexuality, according to The New York Post. The article titled "It’s Not You- It’s Him" by Melissa Klein (December 16, 2007) refers to new research that men are as responsible for frigidity in marriage – and long term relationships – as women are. Women are often stereotyped as “cold fish” and men frequently blame their wives for their lackluster sex life. A recent study by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz supported the latter; finding that 68% of men do blame their wives for “failing to inflame their passion.” However, the survey also found that only 3% of these men were not interested in sex at all and less 1% admitted they were gay. This leaves the majority of men interested in sex, but not interested in sex with their partners. But it is not just Her fault. So guys, what’s wrong?

Well the survey also states that 14% of the men said they were too tired, 38% of men stated that their wives gained weight, 41% admitted to being bored and 61% believed that their wives did not enjoy sex. The article goes on to refer to these men as “whining and complaining.” Only 20% of the men surveyed said that they were cheating, but Berkowitz said, “If these guys are not having sex with their wives, they’re probably having affairs.” This makes men look rather pathetic.

Guys, it’s time to step up and take responsibility for our own sexuality! 

If you want to get more pussy, stop acting like a pussy! 

Cumming Up:

During the next 5 days...

10 ways He can improve Her sex life...

Kiss Me!

Many of us live life based on Emotion. How often do you say,

"I feel like it..."

"I'm not in the mood..."

"I don't know why..."

"I just did it..."


However, most often emotion follows behavior. If you act on something it is likely to improve your mood. For example: you may have to "kick your own ass" to exercise. But afterwards you FEEL better. Then its not long before a few "ass kickings" turn into a love for the gym. Jump starting your sex life can be the same (but not nearly as difficult.) Just Kiss!

Sometimes you have to make a conscious effort to reconnect with your partner. Make a choice to ignite the passion. Did you know that open-mouth kissing allows for the transfer of hormones from one to another?

Even though you think of testosterone as a male hormone. Women's bodies have testosterone too. In fact, testosterone is a key ingredient for orgasm in both men AND WOMEN. Mucus membranes in the mouth are permeable to hormones like testosterone, which you can introduce to your partners mouth by kissing. Testosterone then increases arousal, which leads to more and better sex!

The Dirty Dozen: 12 Positions to Help Her Orgasm

Ladies, here are 12 ways to help you finish strong and 6 reasons why they work.

There are 6 keys to the female orgasm.

1. Consistent Stimulation. Positions where you are on top allows you to control the speed, rhythm.

2. Clitoral Stimulation: Positions where you can grind your clitoris against him, like C-A-T or Thigh Tide, can achieve this extra stimulation. Also positions where you can touch your clitoris yourself, like Back Seat Diver, Spoon and Intersection, are some of the best ways to reach the Promised Land.

3. G-Spot Simulation: For some women this is more necessary than clitoral stimulation. Sniper, Italian Hanger and Jockey can work the G-Spot. Every woman is different and penises come in varying sizes. So, one of these may find your G-Spot better than others.

4. Depth of Simulation: Some women enjoy the deep penetration and even that little bit of pain associated with impact against the cervix. Most of the "from behind" positions allow for greater depth.

5. Emotional Simulation: Often feeling connected is the most important sexual component. Trust. vulnerably, respect, attention, affection, and support are vital ingredients to sex. This is why a healthy relationship is so important. Positions that include eye contact, like Lotus, work wonders.

6. Sensory Simulation: Yes, Visual Stimulation is not just for men. Be willing to Objectify your man. Also, enjoy his scent and taste. Plus, if you drive him wild, enjoy the sounds he makes. Lust is key to Love.


And now what you have been waiting for...

COWGIRL

MASTERY

BACK SEAT DRIVER

THE C-A-T

G-SPOT SNIPER

LOTUS

SPOON

BENT SPOON

INTERSECTION

ITALIAN HANGER

JOCKEY

THIGH TIDE

Pictures from:
http://badgirlsbible.com/best-sex-positions

...Start Dancing!

If you don't like your tune choose a different dance.

Now let me preface this by saying that I don't have all my shit together. I don't do everything right. I am about as far from perfect as Andy Dick is from straight and as Tom Cruise is from reality. I don't feel like a hypocrite saying this because, I worked-out twice today and updated my resume'. I like to think I am on my way to some sense of sanity.

With that said, Here goes...

If you really NEED something in your life then you should have it, or at least be creating it. Now I know some things can't happen over night, but there are steps you can do today that move you toward that direction. So, you want to go back to school, and you can't start today? What you can do is read a book, talk to some who's in school, go on-line (not to read some stupid blog or look at porn) to do some research.

If it really is a need then stop putting wants in the way. Do you really NEED to watch another episode of Honey Boo Boo or Under The Dome? If you really want to watch some crappy TV that's fine, but workout while your doing it. Or surf the net for a new job while you watch the next episode of The Voice. I see people all the time putting their wants ahead of their needs. Going into debt to buy a new outfit so they can feel sexy, or buying a new TV so they can look impressive. You don't need things to be sexy or impressive. Too many of us spend time and money on illusions. It is one thing to go into debt, and park a shiny new car in the driveway of that huge house, so you can look wealthy. It is quite another thing to actually have wealth (investments and a retirement plans.) Don't chase the illusion. Stop WANTing and stop NEEDing; prioritize. Go after it! Whatever "it" is, take a step toward "it" today.

You're not going to FIND "it" either. You don't find love or find soulmates or find best friends. Relationships take work. Work is not a bad thing either. We often view work as something to be avoided. Like the way Mary-Kate Olson avoids food or the way Tom Cruise avoids reality ...oh did I pick on Tom already? ... How about I go with ...the way American Idol voters avoid the talented. You have to create the good things in life. If you want to date a guy who's a good dancer, take a dance class. Get good at it yourself. If you want to date a sexy woman put down the Cheetos bag, and do some crunches. If you want your husband to pay attention to you; pay attention to him. If you want to be loved; show love. If want a soulmate, get some soul. I guess the Nuns at Ascension Catholic School (where I spent 1st through 3rd grades) had something right: "Do unto others the way you want them to do unto you." Can't believe I just referenced the Golden Rule! Sister Theresa would be proud.

Stop working at cross purposes. Go after what you want. Be who you want be... Be who you want to be with... Be with whom you want to be.

Stop screwing around. Get off your ass and make a change. Maya Angelou said it this way:

"Live loves the liver of it."

And Maya knows how to dance, damn it!

Stop Searching....

"I need to find true love..."

 

"I need to find my  best friend..."

 

"I need to find a new job..."

 

"I need to find my soulmate..."

 

"I need to find a career..."

 

"I need to lose weight..."

 

"I need to make more money..."

 

"I need to get in shape..."

 

"I need to stop dating assholes..."

 

"I need meaning in my life..."

 

People say over and over again they need to change their life. 

People NEEDing something... People trying to FIND something... Stop it!

 

WAKE UP!!!

Burst forth from the gates of hell... kick Circumstances in the teeth and give Him a swift junk punch!

Rescue Life! 

Sweep Life up in your arms... race out the back door... kiss Life more passionately than She can stand... grab the back of Her hair... spin Her round... take Her until She quakes with pleasure... And sweetly begs for MORE!

Enjoy Life and make Life YOURS!!!